i used to write everything down in my notes app...

so why did i stop?

my name is ki.

this is my face. in case you were curious.

pronounced kai, written ki, because i’ve never been all that good at simplifying my life.

basics. i’m twenty-six years old, i was born and bred in london, england (apart from the four years i lived in liverpool) and i couldn’t give you a definitive answer on what i do for a living.

“a little of this, a little of that” is usually about as clear an answer i could give you.

as a teenager, i used to spend the early hours of most mornings writing down every thought, feeling, idea and random story i had going on in my head into my notes app (back then it was on a blackberry, which i think is now considered vintage? wild.) but when i hit like sixteen, i just kind of… stopped.

i want to say it was because i had a lot less going on in my head. i was suddenly more mentally well and everyone around me suddenly thought a nerdy queer kid was the absolute coolest.

which is obviously not what happened. shocking, i know.

i think the main reason i stopped was because i found myself being so busy with trying to lead an interesting life and having so many experiences that i just decided my silly 3am thoughts were just that. silly.

and not in like a “oh ki, you silly goose” way but like a “this is silly now, ki. grow up.” kind of way.

NOW i won’t pretend that getting out from under the covers, writing the situations and experiences i wanted to have, and actually going out and having those experiences hasn’t been good for me.

it DEFINITELY has. i have a more full personal life than i could have ever dreamed of back in secondary school. but i seriously miss the rich inner world i used to spend so much of my time in.

adulthood is hard. i find myself wanting to retreat back to a place of safety and joy so often. only to realise that i packed it up and put it in a box years ago, and can i find that box? no.

but i have a vague idea of what corner of my mind palace i may have stashed it away in. so, since everyone and their MUM have a substack now, here i am. hoping the box is around here somewhere.

flat out refusing to grow up.